Problem gambling and the family: money, boundaries and what not to pay

Families discover problem gambling through money, usually later than they should, and usually all at once.

Separate the two problems

There are two problems running in parallel: a person who needs treatment, and a household that is losing money. They have different timelines. Waiting to address the second until the first is resolved is how families lose homes.

Protecting the household

• Separate accounts, and remove access to joint ones.
• Secure documents and anything that can be used to borrow.
• Find out what is actually owed, in writing. The first figure disclosed is rarely the full one.
• Get independent advice on debt before agreeing to any repayment arrangement.
• Tell one other trusted adult in the family. Secrecy protects the gambling, not the family.

Why paying the debt usually backfires

Clearing a debt removes the consequence that was creating pressure to change, and it establishes that the family is the backstop. It is also, very often, followed by a larger debt. Supporting a person and funding an addiction are different things, and the distinction has to be held even when it feels cruel.

What actually helps

1. Make the first call yourself. The National Problem Gambling Helpline is 1800 6 668 668.
2. Get your own support in place before the confrontation, not after.
3. Address the behaviour, not the character. “The gambling has to stop” is workable. “You are a liar” is not, even when it is true.
4. Expect relapse to be part of the course rather than the end of it.

Support for families is listed on the caregiver support hub.