Content warning
This page discusses suicide and self-harm. If you are struggling right now, support is available at any hour.
This article avoids specific behaviours, weights and numbers by design.
Families in this situation are usually frightened and trying hard. Most of the damage is done by comments that would be unremarkable in any other context.
Stop commenting on appearance
All of it, in both directions, about everyone. Compliments about weight loss, observations about looking healthier, remarks about your own body or someone else’s. In a household where an eating disorder is present, every comment about a body is processed through the illness, and the positive ones are the most destabilising.
Stop negotiating at the table
Mealtimes turning into a nightly confrontation exhausts everyone and rarely changes what is eaten. If a structured approach to meals is part of treatment, it should come from the treating team with a plan you have been trained to deliver, not from improvised pressure.
What is worth saying
- “I have noticed you seem to be having a hard time. I am not going anywhere.”
- “I am worried about you, and it is not about how you look.”
- “You do not have to explain it to me for me to help.”
- “I would like us to see someone about this. I will make the appointment and come with you.”
- Ordinary conversation about something else entirely. The person is still in there.
The thing nobody says out loud
You will feel angry at times, and then ashamed of the anger. Both are normal responses to watching someone you love be harmed by something you cannot reach. They are also a good reason to be in a room with other people in the same position rather than managing it alone.
Caregivers Alliance has offered supplementary training on eating disorders alongside its main caregiver programme. Options are on the caregiver support hub.